There’s an old adage that says, “There’s no such thing as a bad orgasm or a bad pizza.” As someone who used to date a girl who absolutely loved Domino’s, I can assure you that the latter part of that is simply not true.
As far as the bad orgasm part of the equation, you might be surprised on that account too. Fact of the matter is there’s an entire kink fetish that adores the idea of what is commonly called a ruined orgasm.
Ruined orgasm definition:
What is a ruined orgasm?
If you find yourself confused by the concept of ruined orgasms, especially ruined male orgasms, don’t worry, you’re not alone.
Most of us, guys and girls alike, probably are pretty likely to count it as a win when we cum. That’s not to say all orgasms are created equal, just that any day you get a chance to make your ‘O’ face it’s a good day.
Enter ruined orgasms.
The fetish is a sub-genre of BDSM play, most often involving a partner who teases you and dominates you, taking you to the brink of cumming, but then stops over and over again.
If you remember, edging is the practice of masturbating or being masturbated right up to the ‘edge’ of orgasm and then stopping, teasing and maintaining your sexual pleasure as long as possible before finally cumming.
The difference between the two mostly has to do with the BDSM nature of ruined orgasms.
Ruined orgasm fetish
Ruined orgasms lean heavily into dominance/submission play. The person who is the sub in this situation is under the control of their dom partner.
That sub is usually male, but not exclusively, and for both them and the dom, control is ultimately the most important part.
The sub’s pleasure from the teasing and playing is not the point; it’s the fact of torturing them and frustrating them in their desperation to cum, and finally when they do, trying to ensure that it’s a disappointing, half-assed orgasm.
The sub is denied the climactic “10 out of 10” pleasure of a great orgasm, and instead given a “2 out of 10,” or what some in the community call an “ejaculation-only” orgasm.
Many practitioners of ruined orgasm play will add in verbal humiliation directed at the sub, as well as fully verbalizing the torture of denying them that final release.
And when the sub finally does cum – especially when it’s a man – the dom who was teasing his cock usually stops touching him and leaves him to cum hands-free and frustrated.
You know how good it feels when you cum inside her? Well, you can just forget about that.
If you try some ruined orgasm fetish play, do not plan on cumming in her pussy, mouth, hand or anywhere else, boys. Instead plan on seeing your frustrated, lonely dick shooting his load all alone.
Ruined orgasm vs. forced orgasm
There’s another sub-sub-genre of BDSM that has some similarities to ruined orgasms called forced orgasm, although there are some key differences.
Just from the name alone, you can get the general idea, but mainly what forced orgasm has to do with is maximizing the sub’s pleasure and essentially imposing an orgasm on their body.
The similarity between the two fetishes has to do with the essential fact of control of the other person being the ultimate goal, not the cumming (or lack of it.)
Is a ruined orgasm basically ‘no-cum November’?
Ruined orgasms don’t necessarily mean not cumming at all, not exactly.
While some couples get off on, er, not getting off – that is, on having the sub not get to cum at all – usually the aim of ruined orgasms is more about controlling the other person’s body and their experience of sex, and enforcing a weak or low-pleasure orgasm.
Having the process of reaching orgasm stop and start, being distracted from it or having the dom interrupt it – all of this is designed to result in a lackluster, disappointing cum as part of the control/dominance play.
And that’s another key distinction between ruined orgasm play and edging: the first is about control and power over another, the second is about maximizing pleasure before an awesome final release.
Of course, it gets complicated when we start talking about how the sub may get pleasure from not getting pleasure, i.e. receiving a ruined orgasm, but that’s a topic for a longer article…
How to ruin an orgasm
Get your mother-in-law on Zoom at the critical moment! Ha ha!
Thank you, I’ll be headlining here at The Funny Bone all week…
In all seriousness, there is a protocol, for lack of a better word for getting into trying out some ruined orgasm techniques.
Talk it over
As we always say here at Blitz’d, sex-positive means you’ve got to make communication your number one priority. If you’re going to try out some new type of sex play, you’ve got to discuss it before launching right into it.
That’s especially crucial when you’re talking about something that’s at least BDSM-adjacent like ruined orgasms.
Whichever end of the process you’re on – as we’ve noted, there is such a thing as ruined female orgasm too – you need to talk about dom/sub roles, what each of you expect, and what you hope to get out of it.
Have a safe word
When you define “ruined orgasm” as the type of play you’re going to try, you’re still talking about a form of torture. It can be delicious if you’re all-in, but it can also be excruciating – and of course, that’s kind of the point.
Even if you get to cum eventually, ruined orgasms often still lead to a kind of blue balls and other physical sensations that aren’t always pleasant.
Plus, dude, ruined orgasms are about submisssion. It’s about humiliation. It’s about dominance.
By definition, that kind of play can lead to some uncomfortable feelings that might get intense enough that you or she need to shut them down at some point.
Fun sex play is about consent, and you should never feel awkward making sure you’ve got a safe word to bail out, if either of you don’t feel like consenting anymore.
Do some research
Yes, research is partly what you’re doing right now as you read about how to ruin your orgasm (or hers).
But before you get started applying this in practice, you should also take some time to delve deeper into what it really means to be a dom or a sub, both in a general sense of the terms, and also in the context of ruined orgasms.
There are very specific language cues, and do’s and don’ts that people who have practiced these kinds of more niche fetishes can better explain in more in-depth articles. A full understanding is important to how much fun you get out of it.
In other words, think of this article as an intro, 101-level class, but do consult with a graduate-level text before trying this out in the sheets.
Another research idea is to check out some ruined orgasm videos with your partner. They can give you some ideas for how to play each of your roles, not only in terms of what to say, but also the general character each of you will adopt.
Another reason to do some vid research together is that this can give each of you permission to more fully step into your respective roles once you decide to get started.
This is a way to allow yourself to get more into it, as you can psychologically separate who you really are individually and as a couple from the role you play during this particular sexy fun-time activity.
If you’re both down with you subbing to her dom, have her tease you up nice and hard, and give you a slow, nasty handjob, with plenty of lube. This is a great exercise for your girl to see how far she can push you before you blow your load.
The goal here is to tease you and “enjoy” the road on which you’re traveling to a ruined orgasm, not the orgasm itself.
It’s also about her dominating you, and taking control of you, so explore those feelings as well, both of you.
How to ruin an orgasm – and enjoy it
Role play in all of its forms is just plain fun for those who are willing to explore and push the boundaries of their comfort zones.
As dudes we’re generally a pretty orgasm-centric bunch, often thinking of sex as a means to an end, and not a fun journey all on its own.
Having some ruined orgasm fun with a willing partner is a great way to push away those mental constraints and come out the other end (or not) a more fully sex-actualized person!