Where the rubber meets the choad: Having fun with different types of condoms
The different types of condoms and their advantages and disadvantages.
In these tense days of social isolation, with only masked, fearful forays out into the world, there’s just one virus on everyone’s mind.
But long before “social distancing” became a common phrase, there was a type of what you might call “micro-social distancing” that all of us have engaged in, aimed at avoiding a whole suite of viruses and other complications.
I’m talking of course about wearing a condom, the kind of micro-social distance that involves a very thin layer of latex between your mighty manhood and your lady friend’s lady bits.
Because while currently everyone is isolated at home getting all weird and horny while devouring social media and pining for the now-silent clubs (and spiking PornHub’s web traffic) things won’t stay this way forever.
Fingers crossed, dear God, that we’re all going to need a metric shit-tonne of condoms very soon to do some of that micro-social distancing.
Exploring different kinds of condoms: searching for the best
So of all the different types of condoms, which one is the best? As the old doctor’s adage goes, the best type of condom is the one that you use.
That’s because medical experts still recommend that no matter what type of sex you’re having – oral, genital, anal, or with an alien visitor – you should always use a condom to prevent transmission of sexually transmitted diseases.
Not to mention the fact that condoms, when used properly, also prevent some 98% of pregnancies.
With aliens that statistic may vary, the science isn’t clear yet.
So it’s just foolish not to use a condom when you’re hooking up with a girl who isn’t a long-term partner, or if you don’t plan to add some new miniature people – or human/alien hybrids, depending – to your lockdown routine.
So let’s talk different kinds of condoms, including some different fun condoms like flavored condoms, glow-in-the-dark condoms and many more.
1. Latex condoms
Including latex condoms on a list of different types of condoms might seem redundant – after all aren’t they all made of latex these days?
Turns out they’re not. More on that in a moment.
But the fact is that latex condoms are the most common type, and they come in all kinds of sizes, thicknesses, lubrication levels and more.
Latex condoms are also the most effective at preventing STDs as well as pregnancy, so they should be the first thing you look for when you go to the chemist.
However, not all types of condoms are made of latex. This is because some guys have an allergic reaction to latex – which is something you definitely do NOT want to experience.
Someone PLEASE start a punk band called Itchy Johnson…
2. Lambskin condoms
And that brings us to lambskin condoms. While these are a legit and vetted alternative to latex condoms for those who have an allergy or skin sensitivity, keep in mind that they are not quite as effective as latex condoms.
They have just 95% effectiveness rate according to the World Health Organization, and they have a higher breakage rate.
And the lambskin variety are special condoms in another sense, in that they’re often thinner than latex condoms. In terms of sensation as well as seeking a different type of condom that won’t give you a rash on your rod, that’s a plus.
Among other special condoms of the non-latex variety are some made of alternative materials like polyurethane, polyisoprene and nitrile. Just be aware of the breakage factor being more likely, as well as the slightly reduced effectiveness.
3. Flavoured condoms
Now let’s get into some of the fun stuff. When it comes to different types of condoms, among the most popular for both guys and girls is flavoured condoms.
These delightful treats for your lady friend (and for you of course; who doesn’t love an enthusiastic partner going to town on your tower of power?) have a special flavouring contained in the lubricant or gel coating on the condom to give her some extra motivation when she’s licking your lollipop.
And manufacturers are getting more adventurous in terms of flavours. You can find flavoured condoms that come in banana, strawberry, mint, grape, chocolate, vanilla, orange, bubblegum, cola and even bacon.
Make sure whatever brand of flavoured condoms you buy still bears a stamp of approval from a health governing board, and you should be good to go in terms of strength, breakage rate and effectiveness.
4. Glow-in-the-dark condoms
Now we’re talking. When it comes to bringing cool condoms into the mix to spice up your sex life, there’s nothing like saluting her with a glowstick of your own before going at it.
Like most other glow-in-dark items, you have to expose these special condoms to the light before they glow.
It usually takes about 30 seconds when it comes to these fun condoms, but don’t worry about waving your wang around under a bedside lamp with one on while waiting for it to glow. You can hold them under a light source still rolled up to get them to activate.
The way glow in the dark condoms work is they’re made of three layers: the first layer is regular latex, then there is another layer of latex on the outside. But sealed in between is a safe, non-toxic third layer of phosphorous pigment that begins to glow when exposed to the light.
As usual, make sure the types of condoms you buy, whether glowing or not, are approved and tested, and you should be good to go in terms of pregnancy and STD prevention.
Something else to be aware of is that the triple layering of most glow-in-the-dark condoms means that they are a bit thicker than most. So while it might be a fun novelty to “rise and shine” for her every now and then, these might be for special occasions rather than regular use.
5. Textured or studded condoms
Here’s another type of condom that’s designed with her in mind – “ribbed for her pleasure,” as the old advertisements say.
What they’re talking about is a kind of condom that has raised studs or textures that are strategically located on the condom to add to the sensation for her when you’re cleaning cobwebs with the ol’ womb broom.
Traditionally these types of condoms had a simple ring or band of ribs around them, strategically designed to heighten the pleasure for ya girl.
But these days manufacturers have gotten quite creative: some of these types of condoms have studs at the top as well as the base, some have hundreds of raised dots peppering the outside for her, and some even come with studs on the inside for us guys as well.
Others are contoured with larger, bulb-like tips meant to add to male pleasure. Keep an eye out for types of condoms marked “for mutual pleasure,” and as always only buy reputable, approved brands.
6. Warming condoms
This special condom type is equipped with a gel or lubricant that warms up on contact with body moisture. It’s a cool condom for a warm change, and for generating a special kind of extra heat down below for both you and your partner.
It’s probably a good idea to warn your girl before you warm her wigwam by using one of these. Let her know what’s up before you’re fully engaged in “adult naptime,” as these types of condoms are coated with chemicals.
Of course, these are tested, safe and non-toxic chemicals, but they can nevertheless cause discomfort and even allergic reactions on some people’s sensitive bits.
7. Special condoms: Pleasure-shaped
These types of condoms come in a variety of different shapes, providing different points of extra stimulation.
For starters, there’s the original pleasure-shaped condom that comes with a larger tip area that opens up into a bulb or pouch. This allows for us to get another layer of friction while we’re going to town. For guys with a bigger head it helps to not feel so much like you’re being strangled.
Another fun condom that comes in a different, intriguing shape is the “twisted” variety. These special condoms come with a double spiral design embedded in the latex that provides a “spring-back” sensation, adding to the pleasure for both partners in a new and exciting way.
What’s more, the design incorporates a wider girth in the main body of the condom, so guys if you’re sporting any piercings down there, many men report that these condoms are more accommodating for your hard-on hardware.
8. Sensis condoms with Quik Strips
Guys, we’ve all experienced those awkward bedroom moments when the damn thing just isn’t going on right, or you fuck it up in the dark and it kills the mood while you fumble with a condom like a 16-year-old in the back of his dad’s car with his first girlfriend.
But the first truly novel invention in the world of condoms to come along in 50 years is here, in the form of Sensis condoms patented “Quik Strips” technology.
These clever tabs pop out when you remove the condom from the foil package, allowing you to grip them and pull down in one quick motion.
These very special condoms come with ribs, dots and rings for her pleasure, as well as in thin varieties for yours.