Everything you need to know about getting your inchworm inked.
There’s no question that tattoos have gone fully mainstream.
Not long ago, if you weren’t a sailor or a convict, tattoos of any kind were genuinely considered subversive – a bit anti-social, a bit rebellious, more than a little daring.
These days, if your 65-year-old Aunt Joyce were to return from her month-long trip to Thailand with her new “friend” Pam and showed off their matching “Eat, Pray, Love” tats over Christmas dinner, it would hardly raise any eyebrows at all.
And as tattoos have gotten more vanilla, people keep pushing the boundaries, trying to recapture that rebellious high of doing something daring, something “out there,” something shocking.
Face tats, full sleeves, lip tattoos – you name it they’re all out there.
But for guys at least, there might be one place that’s even more boundary-pushing than an eye tat: a penis tattoo.
Cock tattoos: How far would you go?
The mere notion of having a needle jabbing you repeatedly in the cock for possibly hours on end is enough to make lots of guys shrivel up like a plantain left on a hot Rio sidewalk.
But for some guys, there’s something that’s kind of badass, kind of cheeky, and certainly unique about offering up your trouser snake to be bitten by the tattoo artist’s needle.
After all, body modifications have been around for a very long time. Humans have been doing piercing, scarification, implants and much more for millennia.
Why not a cock tattoo?
Penis tattoos: So many questions…
Probably the most common reaction when the subject of penis tattoos comes up – second only to the involuntary wincing and psychosomatic shrinkage – is a barrage of questions: does a penis tattoo hurt, do you have to be hard to get a penis tattoo, will my girlfriend like it? Etc., etc.
We’ll answer all of these, except the one about your girlfriend (I mean, she really likes mine, so…) but first let’s look at some of the unique risks that come with getting your tallywacker tatted.
Dick tattoos and dangers
Getting a penis tattoo is largely (or depending on your personal situation, smally) much like getting a tattoo anywhere else, in that you have to be careful afterward to keep the area clean and avoid infection.
But there are a few potential dangers that a penis tattoo can bring that you won’t find when getting inked in other locations.
This sounds like a lot more fun than it is. Also known as priapism, this is a condition in which the blood fills the corpus cavernosa inside the penis, but then can’t subsequently flow back out in a natural way.
It can cause pain, permanent damage or even cause the flesh to go necrotic – that is, your dick can die and require amputation – if left untreated
Penis tattoos performed by less experienced artists have been known to lead to priapism. One 21-year-old Iranian man walked around for three months with a half-hard dick after he got a tattoo that read, “good luck with your journeys” in Persian, along with his girlfriend’s initial.
The tattoo artist in question used traditional, hand-held needles for the procedure, and damaged what the doctors call “deep penile tissue” in the process, causing internal bleeding which resulted in the long-term boner.
So maybe don’t trust a first-time tattoo artist with your pecker, even if he is your mate, yeah?
As with any tattoo, the risk of infection and disease is very real with a penis tattoo, made all the more so by the difficulty of keeping the area clean even under the best of circumstances. When it comes to keeping your junk clean post dick tattoo, you’ll want to go the extra mile.
Also, if you do decide to get a tattoo on your tube snake, make sure you go to a tattoo artist known for keeping a pristine work area.
Again, sensitive. The potential for the needle causing harm to the very thin layer of surface skin or even damaging the muscle beneath is real.
If a tattoo artist’s needle causes scarring, it could lead to permanent disfigurement on your dingle, even beyond the Pinocchio tattoo you drunkenly got last night because your buddy Stephan said it would be hilarious.
In all seriousness, penile scarring can lead to new curves in your penis when it’s hard, ugly scars when it’s soft, and painful erections.
Same as above. A slight slip of the wrist from your tattoo artist can cause nerve damage to your dongle, and nerves are kinda important down yonder…
Everything you never wanted to know about getting a penis tattoo
So, we come to the heat of the meat so to speak: the real questions guys are burning with desire to have answered regarding the topic of getting a tattooed penis:
Does getting a penis tattoo hurt?
Hell fucking yes it does, what do you think? No, in all seriousness, based on several testimonies we researched for this article, a penis tattoo isn’t any more painful than any other tattoo.
That being said, there’s a huge caveat here, in that sensitive areas – be they in your no-no zone or on the top of your foot or on your ribs or on your eyeball – are going to be more painful to get tattooed than say, your bicep.
Don’t expect it to be pain-free, that’s all we’re saying.
Do you need to be hard to get a dick tattoo?
Nope. One tattoo site we looked up actually noted that you shouldn’t even dream of taking Viagra or something before getting a penis tattoo, because having your throbbing gristle staring down the tattoo artist the whole time they’re working “…could make them uncomfortable.”
Beyond that, being engorged with blood while having a needle repeatedly jammed into your junk is a bad idea on a lot of levels.
How do they go about giving you a penis tattoo, exactly?
Be aware that your little buddy is an exceedingly weird hunk of flesh just in general, let alone when some stranger starts assaulting him with sharp objects.
Some penis tattoo recipients have reported that the tattoo artists asked them to hold it for them – and it’s going to need to be stretched if you want to get the image right.
One guy got even more graphic and reported that the artist had him stretch his dick over top of his thumb and keep it stretched it as best he could the entire time.
Also notable: shifting or squirming or otherwise failing to maintain the artist’s “canvas” in exactly the same configuration throughout the procedure can result in some weirdly bent and distorted images. Imagine Dali’s melting clock on your cock…
Welp, be prepared to stretch that puppy good the entire time you’re getting done up. Also remember that if your slinky has a tendency to go into retraction mode when it’s not hard, whatever image you get inked on it is going to accordion accordingly.
When can I show my fancy new cock tattoo to my lady?
You can certainly show it to her as soon as you’re comfortable. However, don’t get your hopes up for showing it to the inside of her right away.
Remember that bit about avoiding infection? Yeah, so no fucky-sucky for a minimum of 1-2 weeks after, a protocol that can last up to six months depending on how long it takes to heal.
What’s more, you won’t even be allowed to fire off any knuckle babies during that period either, as the friction and irritation on a new tattoo could fuck up the healing process.
What if I change my mind about my dick tattoo?
Great strides have been made in laser tattoo removal in recent years, and this is an option if you decide that the mighty elephant’s trunk you envisioned ended up looking more like a tribute to Game of Thrones character Grey Worm.
However, huuuuuge caveat: the one report we managed to find from a laser removal technician who has actually done this for a guy sounded absolutely horrific.
A Melbourne woman who owns a tattoo removal parlor claims a guy who had grown disillusioned with his submarine penis tattoo (it’s full of semen, you see. Haha! Ha…Is it just me, or are penis tattoos mostly terrible jokes?).
At any rate, she decided to do him a solid and remove it for him. But, she says, even after she applied numbing cream, he screamed in agony nearly the entire time as “it turtled away” from her due to the pain. Luckily it only took one session; sometimes several are required.
Bottom line about penis tattoos: if you get one, you better be damn sure you want to keep it for life, so choose well!
Blitz yourself better!
You must not rely on the information provided on our website as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare professional. For more information read our full disclaimer here.