Massage Boner

Dealing with the dreaded massage boner

Why a boner during massage can lead to some unhappy endings.

‘Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis / Isn’t it frightfully good to have a dong?’

–Monty Python ‘The Penis Song’

As every boy from the age of zero on up knows, the venerable comedy troupe Monty Python was onto something when they sang about the wondrous male organ.

There are just so many things you can DO with it! You can whip it around like a helicopter blade, you can hang stuff off of it, you can make it jump up and down – it’s ever so much fun at parties!

And naturally, being in possession of such a miraculous device, we long to share it with others whenever possible. 

Turns out that can get a little tricky if you ever plan to return to that particular pub. (You know what you did, Gary.)

One place we do need to talk about though, guys, is the massage table. 

While massage erections aren’t that out of the ordinary, it also turns out that showing off your happy warrior to your massage therapist is something of a no-no. 

Here we’ll talk about how to deal with the dreaded massage erection, what massage therapists really think when they see a guy has gotten aroused during massage, and some ideas for how to avoid an erection during massage.

Massage Boner

Boner during massage: The good, the bad, and the ugly

First the good – or at least neutral.

Another penis fact every guy and most women know is that boners just happen sometimes. They happen everywhere and anywhere, for any reason and for no reason at all.

The penis could be a great topic for a Dr. Seuss book:

Erections happen on the plane, they happen in the rain.

Erections happen while at school, they happen in the pool.

Erections happen in the sun, they happen when you run…

You get the idea. The point is, an erection isn’t necessarily a sign of sexual arousal.

Professional massage therapists realize this, and if they’re experienced, they have ways of dealing when their client is suddenly sporting a massage boner.

Your garden-variety willy is a friendly and eager fellow, but even beyond his normal tendency to jump up and say hello at any given moment – like when 12-year-old you was asked to speak at your granny’s funeral – the chances of getting an erection during a massage are exponentially increased.

That’s because touch on any part of the body, especially with the intensity and focus of a professional massage, can trigger the parasympathetic nervous system. This is the system that controls your out-of-control woody. 

Put in the simplest terms, the sympathetic nervous system is related more to the “fight or flight” response, while the parasympathetic nervous system relates more to our “feed and breed” activities.

Again, professional massage therapists are well aware of this, and the good ones employ techniques that activate the sympathetic nervous system, which is generally thought of as antagonistic to the parasympathic nervous system.

So if your towel is somehow magically elevating itself while you’re lying on your back, you might notice the massage therapist shifting focus to different areas, applying more pressure, or changing up the rate and type of motion in a bid to refocus your body’s response elsewhere.

Erection during massage: The bad

So we’ve established that a boner during massage can and does happen. We’re all grown-ups, we get it, the cock will crow whenever it damn well wants to.

And we’ve established that professional massage therapists will not wilt like a hothouse flower or run from the room screaming if you pop a massage boner during a session.

But now we get to The Bad part of massage erections, and that has to do with how you react.

This section can be divided into two subsections: the Talking About It Guy, and the Not Talking About It Guy.

They’re both anathema to massage therapists – you should read some of their horror stories. 

First Captain Talks About It: This is the dude who takes the notion of “hey, boners during massage just happen” and expands it into creepy, 1970s swinger party territory, much to the horror of the massage therapist.

If you get aroused during massage, for Christ’s sake don’t go on and on about it for the rest of the session. 

It’s super uncomfortable and borderline harassment if you flip over on your back with a boner and say shit like, “Oh, well someone’s happy to be here! Haha! Would you look at that! I think he likes you! Haha! You know, once I got a hard-on at my Granny’s funeral…”

No. Just, no.

Most massage therapists will tell you that a simple acknowledgment or quick “Whoops, sorry about that” or maybe even you suggesting you remain on your stomach a bit longer will do just fine. 

Long dissertations along the lines of “The Story of My Cock: Volume 1 of a 14 Part Series” or trying to get a laugh out of her by making it twitch or anything along those lines isn’t cool.

The other end of The Bad spectrum when it comes to a massage hardon is guys who are so completely mortified they don’t say anything at all. 

Massage therapists may hate this reaction even more than Captain Talks Too Much, simply because when you’re embarrassed, you’re tensed up and they can’t do their job properly.

If a massage therapist is a true professional, they’ll oftentimes read this reaction and offer a few words about how it’s involuntary, don’t sweat it, etc. 

But if the guy’s reaction is mortified embarrassment, reassuring them is often a hard hill to climb. 

Er, so to speak.

Try to relax, realize that you’re not in control, and that erections aren’t necessarily sexual and try to enjoy the massage and you’ll both be better off. 

Well, all three of you, counting your dick.

Erections during massage: The ugly

This is the shortest section because it’s the most obvious and it can be reduced to a few key bullet points that even the thickest of dimwits out there can grasp:

  • Don’t ever ask for a happy ending. Don’t ever joke about a happy ending. And especially don’t ever “joke” about a happy ending, trying to actually get one. (You know what I’m talking about, Gary.) There isn’t a massage therapist alive who hasn’t heard it before a thousand times, and they loathe anyone who says that shit, even in the most lighthearted and innocent way. Don’t be that guy.
  • Don’t suggest “can you go a little lower,” or “my upper quads are pretty stiff lately,” or any other cheesy shit like that to try to direct them toward your dick if you do get a massage boner. They’re not idiots. And as difficult as this might be to grasp for some guys, just because you’re near-naked in a room with a woman doesn’t mean she is overcome with lust for your greasy, fat, hairy corpus.
  • Unless you’re getting a “massage” in an actual brothel, do NOT assume, imagine, think, try for, or suggest sex of any kind. Don’t be gross. And don’t be an idiot.
  • Shocking as it may seem, according to some massage therapists, there are more than a few guys out there who take the existence of their massage erection as an invitation to try to hump one out on the table while they’re getting their back worked on. What, are you my aunt’s schnauzer? You can’t help but hump something until you cum? Stop it.
  • It shouldn’t need to be said, and it’s a little terrifying that it does need to be addressed in this modern era, but touching your massage therapist in any way is verboten. There are lots of terms for that, but the one the courts like to use is “sexual assault.” Don’t be like Donald. Or Joe for that matter…

Highly scientific massage boner prevention techniques

Guys. In researching this piece, I learned that ejaculation during massage is something that happens. 

So, okay. A couple things. Of course we’re all wired differently, and sometimes you might be on a hair trigger. Shit happens.

But if you know yourself to be like this, there is a super well-researched and highly vetted technique to prevent it: jack off before your massage session. 

For one thing, you’ll reduce the likelihood of deflowering the massage therapist’s poor, innocent table and leaving a goopy mess for her to clean up. 

Secondly, as we all know, cumming is a natural relaxant. So maybe the new normal for massages is, instead of asking for a happy ending like every other douchebag out there, give yourself a happy beginning before you ever walk in the door. 

Erections during massage can and will happen. But if you follow this advice, you’ll be happier and so will the massage therapist.

Not to mention her table will get to remain a virgin.

Have fun, relax, and don’t be a creep!

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