Flirting at work: The do’s and the definite do NOT do’s
How to flirt at work and read her signs of office flirting – safely.
Modern-day work and the workplace obviously mean different things to different people.
Some of us are lucky enough to have challenging, fun jobs that pay well, offer great benefits, treat us with respect, and give us plenty of room to grow into new roles and learn new skills.
And then there’s the non-fiction section.
Just kidding. Surely there are lots of people out there who genuinely love their jobs.
(I mean, I guess?? I just haven’t met many of them…)
But in truth, especially in light of recent world events that shall go unnamed but which rhyme with ‘shmorona shmirus,’ I’m betting there are a whole lot of people all around the world who are working from home right now and pining for that dreary old cubicle they used to curse on a daily basis.
Either way, one thing is probably universal no matter how much you love your job: most workplaces could use more excitement. And what’s more exciting than chatting up the opposite sex, amirite fellas?
The challenge of sussing out the exact meaning of that electric tingle you sense in the air (and in your balls, let’s be honest) when your office crush says hello and you’re trying to figure out the perfect rejoinder to keep the conversation going is often all that keeps us sane until the workday finally ends.
Office flirting: You’re there anyway, so you might as well…
Besides, what the hell else are you going to do all day, work?? If you’re going to spend the bulk of your week surrounded by these delicious creatures, you might as well have a go at pulling while you’re there, right?
Because you just never know where a little office flirting can lead.
Working is where most adults end up spending more time than in any other activity in their adult life, apart from sleeping. You’ve heard the old statistic, that people sleep for a third of their lifetime?
Well, guess what, sunshine: you will spend 23.3 percent of your life working as well. That adds up to 92,120 hours in a lifetime of work that stretches from age 18 to 68.
And if you count it as a percentage of your waking hours over the course of a 50-year working life, you’re looking at 35 percent of your precious time as an adult on this earth being devoted to work.
And all that is based on a rapidly vanishing, near mythical 40-hour work week.
It’s safe to say that for most people in the English-speaking world, the idea of working just 40 hours each week is a quaint reminder of times past, like snuff boxes, penny-farthing bicycles, or milkmen bringing round glass bottles each morning.
However! We’re here to save you from the dreary doldrums of dire drudgery, dear reader!
Read on for some great tips on how to flirt properly in the workplace whilst avoiding a dreaded invitation to ‘come round for a chat’ with HR, and without getting yourself placed on any kind of list, interoffice or police-related.
Flirting at work and reading the tea leaves
So first things first, you’ve got to get your targeting apparatus in tip-top shape. Flirting with women who aren’t at all receptive to you is just a recipe for utter humiliation, that HR summons, or worse.
Sure, some of us are so naturally charming, good-looking and charismatic that we can sling around flirtatious comments like a farmer planting seeds and then just sit back and wait for the harvest to come in.
But for most guys, the simple fact is you’re just going to be better off keeping your powder dry for when baggable game comes into view.
And honestly, why fire on a target that’s un-hittable?
Flirting at work: definite no’s
While we’re on the topic, it might be helpful to start off with some notes on what you should absolutely avoid in terms of workplace flirting right off the bat.
Lots of guys, our stupid, horny minds poisoned by inane images of hilarity from Hollywood rom-coms and television, wonder about flirting with a co-worker if maybe, just maybe, in just this one case:
Would be okay if I flirt with a subordinate?
No. Do not go down this road, even for a second, because that way madness lies – and perhaps unemployment, or worse.
But she really seems to like me…
No. Stop it. It ain’t gonna happen.
Dude, look at the way she’s smiling at me –
Do I need to call HR myself?
Even the best-case scenario of flirting with a subordinate can go seriously sideways on you, and, sorry, for most of us losing our jobs is going to be more traumatic than failing to feed the kitty of every single hot girl in the office.
Even if you’re right and she’s into you, one misplaced comment, a bad date or even a simple misunderstanding can lead to a (workplace) lifetime of regret, discomfort, awkwardness, hatred, or worse. Much worse. Not worth it.
Office flirting: Okay, fine. But my boss is super hot, and –
NOOOO! A thousand times no! Are you MAD?
Take all the reasons above why you shouldn’t flirt with a subordinate and multiply them by ten. Then add a dollop of ‘This woman might fuck me, but she can definitely fucking fire me’ and put it back in your pants.
Signs of flirting at work
So, the best path forward when it comes to flirting with coworkers is to pursue those women who are already kind of into you, at least in the sense of being open to the idea of chatting with you non-flirtatiously.
That is to say, co-workers who already laugh at your jokes, smile when you come around, and who seem to enjoy talking to you are likely to be most amenable to some fun flirting, and who knows where that can lead.
Now, we are all worldly gentlemen here, and therefore we don’t need to go into a whole remedial section on how to recognize the signs of a woman flirting with us.
But in the case of the precarious nature of office flirting, it’s important to be pretty damn sure you’re reading her signals correctly. So here are few quickies (no, not that kind:)
Flirting at work 1: Look for a genuine smile
Real smiles start at the eyes. Look for crow’s feet and for her eyes to close down. If you flirt with a girl who only flashes you a serial killer smile – with dead eyes and only moving her mouth and cheeks – you might as well ask to be made into soup or chained to a chair in an abandoned warehouse.
Flirting at work 2: Listen to her voice
Another sure-fire sign she’s flirting with you is if her voice gets higher and/or faster when she talks to you. It means she’s excited to speak with you!
Flirting at work 3: Touching
There’s friendly touching, and then there’s flirtatious touching: lingering on your shoulder or knee, or if she playfully shoves you when you’re joking around.
Flirting at work 4: Eye contact
This is an important giveaway. If she looks at you for more than a couple of seconds when someone else is speaking, it’s a great sign. Also, more intense, longer eye contact is obviously a clear go-ahead.
Flirting at work 5: Hand flirting
We use our hands to get attention, so if she’s showing you her hands a lot, flapping them around, gesticulating – not to mention the classic flirtation signs like playing with her hair or touching her mouth – it’s a signal that she might be amenable to some flirty fun.
On the other hand (heh heh) if she hides her hands in her pockets or by crossing her arms, that’s not so good.
Signs of flirting at work: beware
Okay, you’ve got your office flirtation game locked down, you’re having fun and getting responses, and weeding out the foolish, foolish girls who fail to see your charms for the amazing gift they are.
But one type of woman to be wary of is the Universal Flirt.
You can be going along, playing your side well and thinking you’re near to charming the pants off this lady because she’s giving you back as good as you give her.
But if you look a little closer, you’ll see that she’s always in flirt mode, and not just with your charming self, but with everyone in the office.
There’s a type of woman most of us are probably familiar with who so desperately needs and wants male attention that she feigns interest in you and strings you along – just as she does with every other guy in the entire office park.
Hard pass. This kind of crazy never works out well, god forbid you should take things to the next level.
All right lads, so, take home lessons: Be smart, be observant, and have fun, and you’ll see those work hours melt away as you melt their hearts.