Premature ejaculation and everything you need to know about being quick on the trigger.
Women often try to impress on us guys how tough they’ve got it.
And yeah, sure, you’ve gotta admit that having a period every month sounds like it would pretty much be the literal worst thing in the world.
Wait, no, the worst thing in the world would be having a baby.
Pushing something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon, as they say, does not sound magical or beautiful or any of those other adjectives people use.
Perhaps a better metaphor for us guys would be to imagine peeing out something the size of a tennis ball…
Okay, now that we’re all sufficiently freaked out, let’s talk about one terrible, tragic, and embarrassing fact of Dude Life that women simply don’t have to worry about, at least not directly.
It is, however, a simple truth about being a possessor of a penis that every guy will likely have to face at least once or twice in his lifetime: premature ejaculation.
Premature ejaculation: What is premature ejaculation, exactly?
While there is a lot of confusion about premature ejaculation, what it is exactly, and how you even define it, the truth is that it’s just a fancy, medical-ish term for explaining when the guy comes too fast when he’s having sex.
To have a shortcumming.
Instead of ejaculate, you ejacu-early.
You have a blunderspunk.
Or a preemie creamie…
(Okay, I’ll show myself out.)
What is considered ‘premature’ ejaculation? How soon is too soon?
According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine (ISSM), for the man to achieve orgasm in less than a minute after penetration constitutes premature ejaculation.
However, according to the International Classification of Diseases (ICD), the cut-off is a mere 15 seconds.
(Wait, so if you can last as long as a Pizza Hut commercial you’re good to go with your lady? That seems dubious, based on years of ‘field research,’ but anyway.)
However you measure it, according to Healthline, up to 1 in 3 men between the ages of 18 and 59 experience premature ejaculation at some point in his life.
Also, the way the site defines “premature” ejaculation is perhaps more useful than the way medical societies mentioned above do, as they seem to be trying to narrow it down to an exact timing thing.
According to Healthline, a premature ejaculation happens “…when ejaculation occurs faster than you or your partner would like.”
Maybe that’s the best way to think of it: cumming sooner than you would have ideally liked it to be.
So we’ll just have to accept that even defining what exactly premature ejaculation means is a bit of a sticky proposition.
There are no hard and fast rules…
(Oh god, I’m so sorry.)
But porn, tho…
Having said that, we can certainly point to a common culprit when it comes to setting up confusing or unreasonable sexual expectations in terms of how long a guy is supposed to last.
When it comes to a lot of the confusion about coming and how long it ought to take, at least part of the blame lies with – you guessed it – good old porn.
In this day and age, most guys are going to be, um, exposed to porn relatively early in life.
No matter how doting mummies and daddies and the government try to keep impressionable eyeballs away from images of sweaty, naked bodies going at it, porn is simply too pervasive, too widely distributed and too available digitally to presume that kids growing up in an always-online world aren’t going to see something.
Even with all the legal restrictions and societal barriers to kids seeing porn, the idea that a kid – especially a curious boy entering the maddening hellscape of puberty and his ensuing enslavement to his own body’s ravenous and twisted needs – to reach age 18 without seeing porn would require some sort of bubble-house situation or a divine intervention.
So it’s safe to say we’ve all grown up with impressions burned into our retinas of sex that include dudes with downright dangerous-looking monster schlongs, women with insanely massive tits shrieking at the top of their lungs, and sex that lasts for literally hours before the dude – as a matter of course – shoots a dozen huge ropes of jizz all over the woman’s face.
Yep, that’s exactly the way sex works in the real world, kids, every single time. You can take that shit to the bank.
No, but really, what is ‘premature’ ejaculation?
Except that, no, of course that isn’t how it fucking works, is it?
Just try pulling out at the last minute and splooging all over a girl’s face without warning and see what happens. You might as well ask her, “Hey, where are all your friends? And your twin sister? I assumed I’d be fucking all of them too?”
The reality is that even sex lasting as long as a typical sit-com – without commercials, even – is anything but typical.
According to a 2008 study, whose title lasts longer than some guys do in bed, called “Canadian and American Sex Therapists’ Perceptions of Normal and Abnormal Ejaculatory Latencies: How Long Should Intercourse Last?” sex lasting between 3 and 7 minutes was considered “adequate” by most respondents.
For the length of coitus that the respondents considered “desirable,” most people say they’d want to stretch it out to 7 to 13 minutes.
Keep in mind too that the study asked patients who saw sex therapists to seek treatment for sexual problems, so we can assume that there’s a level of honesty and forthrightness built into their answers that you might not get from another type of survey.
Also, these figures are pretty closely aligned with what earlier studies have found, in which people reported that sex lasting an average of 5 to 7 minutes was the ideal.
Another study, one that took place in 2005, found that the reality of sex – not the ideal, but what actually occurs – also fell well within this range. In that study, couples reported that sex lasted 5.4 minutes on average, not including foreplay or female orgasms.
And hey, ladies, if you want to see how much better you have it than women in your grandmother’s time did, a famous 1948 study by Albert Kinsey found that for most couples sex lasted a mere 2 minutes.
You’ve cum a long way, baby…
What causes premature ejaculation?
As to why some men suffer from the tragedy of firing off the ol’ cum cannon before the enemy ships are even in sight, there is a metric fuck-ton of competing theories that have been put forward over the years.
Some people have hypothesized that, especially in younger men, the ingrained experience of adolescent masturbation – having to whack the weasel furtively and quickly out of fear of getting caught – has conditioned them to come quickly in order to initiate clean-up procedures before someone bangs on the bathroom door asking them what the hell is taking so long.
Others have suggested psychological factors like performance anxiety or even passive-aggressiveness(?) but there just doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of actual evidence to back up any of these claims.
What we do know for sure is that for men who suffer from PE, there can be serious psychological repercussions, including depression and anxiety.
But experts also point out a couple of other things we know: we are evolutionarily evolved to hit it and quit it, in terms of cumming fast.
Imagine our ancestors trying to bang on the savanna or in a cave: if you have to worry about a Saber-toothed tiger sneaking up on you while you’re going at it, or another tribe attacking, you’re not going to lounge around fucking her from 27 different positions and try to last for 3 hours.
Put it this way: if that had been the case, we never would have had the opportunity to evolve to the point where we could develop modern porn and set these absurd expectations on ourselves, because we would have all been dead.
Premature ejaculation: What do women actually want?
Pick up any women’s magazine – well, okay, don’t, not unless you want your brain to turn to mush trying to make sense of all the contradictory and sometimes insane advice they have in those things – but what they consistently say is that what women want is around 25 or 30 minutes in the sack.
That’s total time, guys, not pounding away at her cervix like a jackhammer.
A big, big mistake lots of less-experienced guys make is in thinking that women get off the same way we do, and that just isn’t the case.
For the vast majority of women, penetration alone just doesn’t take them to the promised land. They need clitoral stimulation and more of a build-up to achieve orgasm than we do.
So next time you’re worried you might blast off before all the astronauts are on board, think about focusing on foreplay and all the other aspects of sex and intimacy that lead up to penetration, and you’re much likely to get her closer before you even begin.
Hey, if you can make her cum before you ever even get it inside her, it really takes the pressure off on how long you feel you need to last!
Blitz yourself better!